Redha - Part 2
[HIDDEN]
I had everything planned out.
Wanted to do something for you to remember me whenever I'm not around. Just when I was about to do all these, Allah showed me so many signs that is wasn't the right time for me to do so and true enough; you were gone out of my life. I told myself; it's okay.
You, your soul, the kind of person you are; so full of kindness, optimism and joy that filled with so much warmth. Just like that, I got myself attracted to you. In the end, we both did, didn't we?
If one day, you found yourself reading this post that I wrote; know that I miss you.
Not in that "way" anymore.
Maybe you're also wondering; why can't I stop writing about you?
Honestly, its the only way for me relive my memories with you. The good ones. You are part of it, no doubt. If I can't manage to keep in touch with you on a social level, me writing about you is the only way for me to feel connected to you; closest. Even if you don't wish to speak to me anymore.
That's fine. I meant well in all of these.
I was glad. I was happy. Happy that I got the chance to talk to you. I was able to find comfort in you. Vibe with you. No amount of feelings or anything in return was expected from you.
We laughed. We smiled. We cried. Well, most of it, I cried. There you were, just continuously giving me hope and passing on moments of optimism with me. To keep having faith in whatever I'm doing and you never failed. Realize that?
You meant so much to me in such a short period of time. I don't even know how did that happened but you made me felt some type of way that I never once regret of feeling it again. You've shown me that love and kindness makes no certain boundaries. The warmth in your love, the ways that you've done, definitely made me continue to keep that burning fire alive. Passing on to the others who need it as much as I do. It lives on. Up till this date.
All thanks to you.
I told myself that its okay if right now (or ever), you weren't the one for me. Although in the beginning, we both fall hard for each other. The only sad part was... it didn't work out for the both of us. You had your reasons and I had mine. We both agreed and spoke on mutual terms finding our closure. From there, we positively moved on together; as friends.
Wanted to do something for you to remember me whenever I'm not around. Just when I was about to do all these, Allah showed me so many signs that is wasn't the right time for me to do so and true enough; you were gone out of my life. I told myself; it's okay.
You, your soul, the kind of person you are; so full of kindness, optimism and joy that filled with so much warmth. Just like that, I got myself attracted to you. In the end, we both did, didn't we?
If one day, you found yourself reading this post that I wrote; know that I miss you.
Not in that "way" anymore.
Maybe you're also wondering; why can't I stop writing about you?
Honestly, its the only way for me relive my memories with you. The good ones. You are part of it, no doubt. If I can't manage to keep in touch with you on a social level, me writing about you is the only way for me to feel connected to you; closest. Even if you don't wish to speak to me anymore.
That's fine. I meant well in all of these.
I was glad. I was happy. Happy that I got the chance to talk to you. I was able to find comfort in you. Vibe with you. No amount of feelings or anything in return was expected from you.
We laughed. We smiled. We cried. Well, most of it, I cried. There you were, just continuously giving me hope and passing on moments of optimism with me. To keep having faith in whatever I'm doing and you never failed. Realize that?
You meant so much to me in such a short period of time. I don't even know how did that happened but you made me felt some type of way that I never once regret of feeling it again. You've shown me that love and kindness makes no certain boundaries. The warmth in your love, the ways that you've done, definitely made me continue to keep that burning fire alive. Passing on to the others who need it as much as I do. It lives on. Up till this date.
All thanks to you.
I told myself that its okay if right now (or ever), you weren't the one for me. Although in the beginning, we both fall hard for each other. The only sad part was... it didn't work out for the both of us. You had your reasons and I had mine. We both agreed and spoke on mutual terms finding our closure. From there, we positively moved on together; as friends.
It was completely fine for me that we had to treat each other like that. Maybe its for the best. Maybe it wasn't the right time. Who knows? But I can assure you; disappointment was there in me. It sucks big time. In order to save myself from these miseries, knowing that these feelings isn't going to fade away anytime soon, I decided to walk away. To pull myself away from him. To disappear.
I felt like that it was the right thing to do. For both me and him. We wanted to prevent ourselves from getting hurt in any way. Not getting our emotions mixed up and being fully aware that we both are incapable of controlling our feelings alone.
And that's where my mistake has been made. I shouldn't have left you alone like that. Neither should I disappear from your life without leaving any reasons why. It wasn't fair for you. Yet I thought that it was... for me.
Never have I not thought of a single pinch of regret.
One month has passed. We didn't talk to each other. I got over all of those feelings for you. I didn't wanna end things between us on a bad note.Though I knew it was my fault for "ghosting away" so I've decided to leave you a long text to make it up to you and apologize for what I've done. Really, at the very least. But something was telling me that whatever I did, wasn't the right thing to do at all. I meant by sending those texts. That move itself; wasn't the best choice.
My heart sank. I broke down for a good 15 minutes. I kept asking myself back and forth as to why I was feeling that certain way right after I sent that text to him. My mind starts to flood with a whole lot of thoughts. I panicked. I really felt like I was about to faint. Anxiety attack filled me up. It wasn't an easy moment for me. Not even the slightest bit. When it was all cooled down, I entirely felt like whatever I did earlier, I shouldn't have done it at all.
I know you saw that text. Specifically from me. Delivered and read. You chose not to reply. So I waited. Hoping that somehow, you will forgive me and reconcile with me. I know that by this point, I must be dumb enough to even leave a text. It was probably useless. I mean who would entertain those when you've gone disappearing for almost a month? In my defense, I wanted to start afresh because I wasn't prepared of the thought of losing you. You being out of my life. I'm definitely not up for that for sure.
Two days has passed ever since. You still have yet to reply.
Now let me tell you what happened during those two days. It where Allah started to show me His significant signs to me. Of what? To let you go.
So what happened?
A week before all of this mess started, a good friend of mine was trying to promote her talk session through social media. Her topic was named "Fragile Heart".
She wrote to me personally and invited me to attend. One was because it might help me in one way or another. Two, I said to myself that I needed this so I could overcome my troubled emotions. I knew that I still couldn't get over about you. Prior to THE day of the talk, I didn't had enough finance to go for it and obviously, I was pretty sad because I wasn't able to go when I needed it the most.
I was so prepared to inform her that I can't make it at all.
But I hold that on pause.
I tried asking for my parent's help because it was so urgent that I almost cried when I couldn't manage to attend for it. That ain't a joke by the way. I almost did. I had no idea what's in store for me and in some miraculous way, my parents got it covered. Boy, let me tell you how thankful and blessed I was in that moment itself. A huge sigh of relief. Mind you, I seldom asks from my parents for any money. It is so unlike me to always asks shits from them because I believe that whatever I want, I have to earn it by my own. No help needed. Again, maybe I could be lucky. Who knows? Things went the way as to how I hoped it to be. Alhamdulilah.
I went for it. It got me thinking that all these happened due to His own Will. I could have not gone for that simply because I did not have enough finance and my situation could have really gone down to a spiral. But it didn't. Anyways, back to my story.
The talk kept emphasizing that we must be ready and be willing to redha(acceptance) no matter the shortcomings we'd face in our life. Even if things are not meant to go your way, you have to be able to redha, forgive yourself and the people around you in order for you to move on. That's where I realize, this was another sign from Him. It felt so uneasy for sure. It hurts as well.
Because I instantly thought of you. You at the very back of my mind. Its you that I felt so connected to with the talk. I wondered to myself why did you kept your distance from me? Why didn't you wanna talk to me anymore? Was it because you don't forgive me? Did you felt the same way as I do? That it was the best way for us to stay that way? Not talking to each other anymore? I really couldn't tell at all. It hurts because I missed you.
"If that someone/thing isn't meant to be in your life, no matter how hard you've tried to preserve and keep it close to you, learn to let it go"
It hit me so hard that it breaks my heart the second I heard her saying that. That's where I ask myself;
"Is me letting go of you the right thing to do?..."
Though from the bottom of my heart, I know I should have already let you go.
But me being me, I chose to be stubborn. Not believing any single gut/instincts of mine nor the "Signs" that's shown to me about you. Deep down, I chose to tell myself that maybe you will change your mind and reply to me if I gave you that one last nudge. Another point of hope?
With that being said; what I thought it would happen one day; happened. All those waiting days for him to return my texts didn't happened at all. Sure, I was disappointed by it. Then I thought back to myself; why do you still bother trying? Its already clear and obvious enough. Its so loud. Why can't I see it? I then told myself "you know what? You've tried. That's okay. You'll get something better soon enough, I promise. Be patient" and so I followed.
"Due to these unfortunate circumstances, it very well lead me to a path where I was in the state of pain" - Purest Love, Part 1
Now here comes the real reason why I mentioned it that way.
I really do believe that every single thing happens for a reason. Be it the good or the bad. It has its ways that we humans will never be able to understand/predict why. Yet I always choose to keep seeing the good ones. Even if slight mishaps were to happen, I choose to see the good in all. Not that I don't believe that it has its own bad reasons. I do. But to always see the light rather than to succumb yourself to the darkness, it feels so much better that way. At least to me.
What pains me so much, is that when I do choose to see the good in all, the real truth behind it was actually the bad ones. All those mistreats, all those bullshits, all those lies, all those backbiting.
I'll leave this entire part here for another blog post. Its not gonna add up to the message I'm giving in this part. But you will read about them soon.
What I really wanted to send a message here was;
Accept.
Accept that things will never go in the ways you will expect every single time. Accept that every mishaps happened was due for a very specific reason. Accept that no matter how bad it gets, you will get something better out from it. That I can promise you. Provided if you learn HOW to accept it with ease. Accept the fact that when you get something that is not in your favor, take it with grace and embrace the feeling you own for it. You have every rights to feel as such but you don't take responsibility for another soul's action based on what he/she did to you. It's not your fault for feeling that way. Don't blame yourself for what you felt when you thought it was true. Don't belittle yourself for the things you believed in when it ended up like one of those bullshits you've faced. Keep on believing and always have hope. Accept that you are never gonna give it up so easily.
So my dear readers, you are never alone in this. It takes time, it takes effort to heal. It takes a whole amount of shit to understand the real meaning of acceptance. But I have faith that you will get there.
Redha
I felt like that it was the right thing to do. For both me and him. We wanted to prevent ourselves from getting hurt in any way. Not getting our emotions mixed up and being fully aware that we both are incapable of controlling our feelings alone.
And that's where my mistake has been made. I shouldn't have left you alone like that. Neither should I disappear from your life without leaving any reasons why. It wasn't fair for you. Yet I thought that it was... for me.
Never have I not thought of a single pinch of regret.
One month has passed. We didn't talk to each other. I got over all of those feelings for you. I didn't wanna end things between us on a bad note.Though I knew it was my fault for "ghosting away" so I've decided to leave you a long text to make it up to you and apologize for what I've done. Really, at the very least. But something was telling me that whatever I did, wasn't the right thing to do at all. I meant by sending those texts. That move itself; wasn't the best choice.
My heart sank. I broke down for a good 15 minutes. I kept asking myself back and forth as to why I was feeling that certain way right after I sent that text to him. My mind starts to flood with a whole lot of thoughts. I panicked. I really felt like I was about to faint. Anxiety attack filled me up. It wasn't an easy moment for me. Not even the slightest bit. When it was all cooled down, I entirely felt like whatever I did earlier, I shouldn't have done it at all.
I know you saw that text. Specifically from me. Delivered and read. You chose not to reply. So I waited. Hoping that somehow, you will forgive me and reconcile with me. I know that by this point, I must be dumb enough to even leave a text. It was probably useless. I mean who would entertain those when you've gone disappearing for almost a month? In my defense, I wanted to start afresh because I wasn't prepared of the thought of losing you. You being out of my life. I'm definitely not up for that for sure.
Two days has passed ever since. You still have yet to reply.
Now let me tell you what happened during those two days. It where Allah started to show me His significant signs to me. Of what? To let you go.
So what happened?
A week before all of this mess started, a good friend of mine was trying to promote her talk session through social media. Her topic was named "Fragile Heart".
She wrote to me personally and invited me to attend. One was because it might help me in one way or another. Two, I said to myself that I needed this so I could overcome my troubled emotions. I knew that I still couldn't get over about you. Prior to THE day of the talk, I didn't had enough finance to go for it and obviously, I was pretty sad because I wasn't able to go when I needed it the most.
I was so prepared to inform her that I can't make it at all.
But I hold that on pause.
I tried asking for my parent's help because it was so urgent that I almost cried when I couldn't manage to attend for it. That ain't a joke by the way. I almost did. I had no idea what's in store for me and in some miraculous way, my parents got it covered. Boy, let me tell you how thankful and blessed I was in that moment itself. A huge sigh of relief. Mind you, I seldom asks from my parents for any money. It is so unlike me to always asks shits from them because I believe that whatever I want, I have to earn it by my own. No help needed. Again, maybe I could be lucky. Who knows? Things went the way as to how I hoped it to be. Alhamdulilah.
I went for it. It got me thinking that all these happened due to His own Will. I could have not gone for that simply because I did not have enough finance and my situation could have really gone down to a spiral. But it didn't. Anyways, back to my story.
The talk kept emphasizing that we must be ready and be willing to redha(acceptance) no matter the shortcomings we'd face in our life. Even if things are not meant to go your way, you have to be able to redha, forgive yourself and the people around you in order for you to move on. That's where I realize, this was another sign from Him. It felt so uneasy for sure. It hurts as well.
Because I instantly thought of you. You at the very back of my mind. Its you that I felt so connected to with the talk. I wondered to myself why did you kept your distance from me? Why didn't you wanna talk to me anymore? Was it because you don't forgive me? Did you felt the same way as I do? That it was the best way for us to stay that way? Not talking to each other anymore? I really couldn't tell at all. It hurts because I missed you.
"If that someone/thing isn't meant to be in your life, no matter how hard you've tried to preserve and keep it close to you, learn to let it go"
It hit me so hard that it breaks my heart the second I heard her saying that. That's where I ask myself;
"Is me letting go of you the right thing to do?..."
Though from the bottom of my heart, I know I should have already let you go.
But me being me, I chose to be stubborn. Not believing any single gut/instincts of mine nor the "Signs" that's shown to me about you. Deep down, I chose to tell myself that maybe you will change your mind and reply to me if I gave you that one last nudge. Another point of hope?
With that being said; what I thought it would happen one day; happened. All those waiting days for him to return my texts didn't happened at all. Sure, I was disappointed by it. Then I thought back to myself; why do you still bother trying? Its already clear and obvious enough. Its so loud. Why can't I see it? I then told myself "you know what? You've tried. That's okay. You'll get something better soon enough, I promise. Be patient" and so I followed.
"Due to these unfortunate circumstances, it very well lead me to a path where I was in the state of pain" - Purest Love, Part 1
Now here comes the real reason why I mentioned it that way.
I really do believe that every single thing happens for a reason. Be it the good or the bad. It has its ways that we humans will never be able to understand/predict why. Yet I always choose to keep seeing the good ones. Even if slight mishaps were to happen, I choose to see the good in all. Not that I don't believe that it has its own bad reasons. I do. But to always see the light rather than to succumb yourself to the darkness, it feels so much better that way. At least to me.
What pains me so much, is that when I do choose to see the good in all, the real truth behind it was actually the bad ones. All those mistreats, all those bullshits, all those lies, all those backbiting.
I'll leave this entire part here for another blog post. Its not gonna add up to the message I'm giving in this part. But you will read about them soon.
What I really wanted to send a message here was;
Accept.
Accept that things will never go in the ways you will expect every single time. Accept that every mishaps happened was due for a very specific reason. Accept that no matter how bad it gets, you will get something better out from it. That I can promise you. Provided if you learn HOW to accept it with ease. Accept the fact that when you get something that is not in your favor, take it with grace and embrace the feeling you own for it. You have every rights to feel as such but you don't take responsibility for another soul's action based on what he/she did to you. It's not your fault for feeling that way. Don't blame yourself for what you felt when you thought it was true. Don't belittle yourself for the things you believed in when it ended up like one of those bullshits you've faced. Keep on believing and always have hope. Accept that you are never gonna give it up so easily.
So my dear readers, you are never alone in this. It takes time, it takes effort to heal. It takes a whole amount of shit to understand the real meaning of acceptance. But I have faith that you will get there.
Redha
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