Alive But Dead
I'm sorry but for those of you fuckers who secretly hate or disgust me, you can choose to continue reading this "interesting'' life of mine and go ahead shaming me to everyone you know alright? Because I honestly dont literally give a fuck about you either. I'm just sharing all my thoughts i have in mind.
WARNING; POST IS TERRIBLY LONG UNLESS YOU HAVE THE HEART TO CONTINUE READING THEM. IF NOT SHOO.
Honestly I've been feeling emotionless and numb lately. And come to think of it, i'm starting to get worried about my health. I had alot of changes in me. And I mean ALOT. I don't know who to turn to and talk about this dying feeling inside of me. So this is the only place im able to rant everything. For example, my health starts to drain very badly and my lifestyle is becoming worser than I thought. I didn't expect myself to be this way but I am who I am now??
Hair-thinning//loss, addiction of ice became stronger, sleep-deprived, eating disorders, anxieties, loss in weight. Mind you, I didn't self-declare that I'm down with these type of sickness. I've become so sick that I still have this on-going cough for about almost a month and a half which actually makes my life much worse to live in. Because one thing; I can't breathe easily due a restrain airways in my lungs. And weird thing is that, i'm not even asthmatic. Second, this on-going cough makes it so much more difficult for me sleep. Oh yeah, did i mention that I've becoming smaller too? my body shrinks and im not kidding.
I'm still recovering from my insomnia. But its still haunting me which i dont even know when will this ever end. I had only for about 2-4 hours of sleep and there i go waking up every single day. Sleeping back its just impossible for me and even if I did, eventually I'll wake back up sooner or later. I tried to watch some childhood cartoons on YouTube to make me fall asleep whilst watching. But still can't. Now some of you guys might think that t may be due to the food that I'm taking that causes me to be like this.
I'll tell you about my eating routine everyday;
MORNING: nothing
AFTERNOON: Junk food (( Mcd, etc )) and mostly I depend on ice cubes to satisfy my hunger.
NIGHT: One packet of chicken breast cutlet & snacks(( pocky, panda chocolates etc. ))
Yes. That routine every single day. And yes, Ice cubes to be exact. Not those Ice drugs. Although im trying my very best to eat healthy like eating cereals, greens and drinking detox water. Im starting to do that slowly and im still trying.
Waking up to a new day with alot of hairloss on my bedsheets. And my pale ugly face that I just have to bare with everyday. The sick purely dark eyebags I'm having. With that kind of image i had to face myself in the mirror every moment, I felt like breaking down and just cry. I drowned myself in self-hatred and digust. Sometimes I'm just really truly blessed to have such a wonderful boyfriend who still love me as a whole. No matter how horrid i look or how much self-hatred I have to myself. Without him I guess I wouldn't be able to have this small sparks of confidence in me to show to the world.
But that doesn't stop me from having low self-esteem whenever I step out to the world and explore. I still have those anxieties in me wherever i go. But i keep telling myself to stay smiling and be okay. Maybe that would be enough for me.
Speaking about self-hate, I hated myself even more whenever I found out that there are people hating on me or disgust about me. And this doesn't stop because everywhere I go or whatever I do, there will always be people hating on it. I tried to stay and be okay. Kept telling myself to stay strong and don't even bother too much about them. Because they couldn't understand what I'm going through. And because of that, I kept having two way traffic thoughts every single time. I couldn't help being weak at times. I feel so shattered and lifeless till because of this, i lost my appetite to eat from daylight till night. i don't choose to be this way either. its just happens. Even then, I slice some slits on my wrists to relieve myself from all these painful venture. On my knees; crying in self-hate. Sometimes I'm in between cries and laughter. But I don't know which to be because people are so ironic. Way too ironic between their sayings and behavior. I laughed because sometimes, i know, they have gone through what i'm facing but in the end making other people (that's gone thru the same as them) as their own laughing stock. It is like laughing at your own self, you know?
People sometimes got to remember, everything is a reflection. And there's always a comeback to whatever they're doing now. I'm in no perfection or higher status to be sayings this either but sometimes people just gotta learn to accept what others would say. Look, I'm different. I don't laugh my ass off on people anyhow who's going through hard times. If its a joke probably i'll laugh but when its serious, its serious. I'm not like those ignorant fools who just have a one way listen to people and then be judging. I'm the type who listens to both sides. And i don't rush for conclusions either. People have been mistaken me for that and i'm here to tell you that I'm not like what you think.
I swear my face may look super ignorant and egoistic in surface. But I have never been like that. I'm sick and tired of people who thinks i'm ego or thinks that i'm that kind who has a cold evil heart. I wish i could be like one so that i wont feel hurt. But no. Wells that's to those people who's never been close enough to me and understand. just fuck yourself. fuck you. seriously. what do you guys get in the end? nothing either.
You love it don't you to see people that you've hurt on and seeing them suffer inside like a thousand bullets and knife stabbed in their soul?? to see them cry in the midst of darkness, without anyone noticing, killing and letting them having suicidal thought to themselves slowly day by day. And be begging on their knees, crying, screaming for help. But how many of you notice that? i bet 1% out of this cruel world. Some people can never see the bright side of life anymore simply because you people don't fucking care about what they've gone through. and suicidal thoughts is their only wish to silence their pains. you like it don't you? How many suicides does it take for you people to realise that what you fucking said to them, actually fucking matters??
For the rest of you angels who has gone thru alot more worser than me, i respect and really truly admire your strong soul. Keep on fighting and never give up that battle of thoughts of yours. If you need anyone to talk to or have somethings in need to share with someone, but there's no one for you, please don't hesitate to send me emails at swxxtrxvxngx@gmail.com. I'm more than willing to hear and be there for you people <3 You strong souls are my true inspiration. I'll be blogging back soon.. I love you all.
much love,
Swxxtrxvxngx
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