Moments

Its like 11:38pm as I'm typing this out. I have alot on my mind lately and I can tell you its not really a good thing. So much have happened within my 2 months "HIATUS" period. Its really not in a good state. I don't know if I could keep up feeling positive or just be drained with negativity. Sure, people definitely wanna see me keeping my head high and to stay positive. I'm sure enough. I know. Some might even say otherwise. Like its okay I have the right to feel exactly whatever I'm supposed to feel. Considered if I'm feeling very negative right now. IF. But I don't know guys. I'm somehow stuck in between. Good or bad? I wouldn't know...

I wanna type out whatever that is on my mind. Since I'm too lazy to write this to myself as a letter. Yes, I write letters to myself. Because eventually, the comments or replies I'm gonna get personally one on one talk, ain't gonna help me. Not saying that I don't appreciate their concern. I DO. Always. But it always end up getting in a state where I'm not exactly looking forward to it. As in, THEIR ANSWERS. Don't ask me why, I just feel like at times I want them to just listen to my sighs and rants or cries and NOT give any feedback. Sometimes I want them to do so and give nice comments like "everything is gonna be okay". Well, soon enough I'm also gonna get tired of hearing the same "sweet" answers too. And people rather tell you straight up to your face and be bitter than to lie sweetly. Lol, I'm sorry. I'm really kinda bipolar. I'm not that understandable. That's why I don't have lots of..... people around me. Cause they can't stick up to my indecisive thoughts and emotions. Trust me, even my boyfriend gets tired with THIS side of me. But he really tries his best to learn me and my other side... Tolerated so much of my tiring thoughts and sadness. A LOT. That itself made me feel like I'm such a fucking burden to him cause I gave him stress with my own stress.

Don't worry we communicate well enough to make sure we really really understand each other. Not that I don't give him space. I don't know but sometimes he himself caused me stress too. HAHA. So okay that's..... even.

I just wanna say that I really love to treasure the good times. Like I mentioned in my twitter. Like what's life without embracing the good old times that once gave you the happiness you've always wanted? Even if you happen to hate that person/time now. I mean it once gave that good feelings and smile. It used to gave you butterflies and excitement. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way. I mean I don't care who I was with. I just wanna talk about the moments. Moments where it used to gave me confidence, smiles and strengths. Moments where I hugged the reality, knowing that no matter what happened in our lives, we could always cheer and support each other.

To say this... I'm actually upset that those moments are completely gone. No more of it. But its where I started to love the spark in the beginning. I miss those genuine smiles that I used to give and put up with. I miss those happiness that I experienced. Everything seems so so different now. But I'm not saying that now, my current moment, I'm not happy. No, I am. But the difference is, those excitement, gushing feelings, butterflies I used to have... I don't feel like there is. OR MAYBE ITS A PERIOD WHERE ALL OF US ARE BUSY????? :-(

Ugh mind the battles I have to deal with my head. Its what I always have to deal with all the time. Maybe things will be okay soon. Is this just a phase again for me to deal with every time? Why does it always have to be THIS period.

Small thoughts like this, these little battles I have in my head, I can actually cry from it. I hate this side of me. I guess this is normal.  But its definitely not normal for you guys to read both side of my stupid wars in my head right? LOL. Like every night all those late night thoughts, those little devils like to play with your mind and fuck you up real good. SUCKS right? I mean everyone has gone through like this. Stupid thoughts that is not suppose to be in your mind, came in and crash your brain. Sigh, forgive me of my stupid rantings/late night thoughts. I'm also tired to think of this every time but it keeps coming in and I cannot let it stuck in me. Else I would keep thinking of it. For real though, if only my "sighs" could throw ALL my sadness and problems away in an instant. I really wish it could. But its hard. I'm still trying to deal with it...