Story Of Me

Hi guys!

I bet you people have been waiting for this update of mine. Sorry for the long wait cause I've been settling with some of my school stuffs. So many things to handle and to think for. Now the fact that I'm already starting to be busy according to my schedule. But don't worry I'll find time to update my blog for you all to read :)

I suggest you all should read this during your free time. Because its a very long message.

So here's about me;
Let's divide them into sections aye?

1. Personal "Data"

I'm 17 years of age. July baby. Cancerian. Height is 157 cm and I weigh about 45-47 kg at times. I don't know. I have an unstable body weight  most of the times. I don't easily gain. I have a weird appetite. Really. Picky eater? Yes towards veg.

2. Outside of me

I really dont know how to describe myself well. But all I could say is that I'm just thankful and I have to appreciate with the things around me. I'm genuinely kind to others. Sort of. It depends on the people and my mood. Heh. I look like a beggar at times. I love to be confident and I stand at my own ground. I don't like it when I got to find out that there are people who despise me indirectly. Cause when I do, I literally have grudges against them. And for some what reason, I love to be two-faced with the bitchy people around me. Its in my nature. Well, I have to do my job right? I can't always be nice to people all the time. I can even get sick of it. I forgive people easily even when they're not in the wrong. I'm a soft hearted person. But when I'm on period...... Beware :-)

(GIRLS WILL ALWAYS BE GIRLS)

Some of my friends might wonder why I love to eat Ice. Haha I have this addiction in me since last two years. This only happens when I'm bored, stress, panic or having anxiety attack. Likewise, if I don't have ice cubes, is either I bleed myself. Its just another way for me to release my tension. Yes there are people and even my parents asked me why should I do all these. They told me is harmful to me and labeled me that "I don't love myself enough" Why yes, that explains it very much. I don't. And this is the only way for me to never be in this state of loss. Don't ask why. That's just me. I don't know. But not to worry. I'm independent enough to love on my own self.

I'm used to be in a state of hurt. I'm used to being tear apart. I'm used to having people taking advantages of me. I'm used to fake my self towards the people I despise. But when I love and treasure my friends, I really mean it and I don't wish to lose neither one of them. Because I know how it feels to be left out. I know how it feels to be backstabbed, I know how it feels to be alone. I've felt it every single ways you people can imagine. But obviously I'm not proud of it when shits happen. To me, I take it as a learning point for me. There is nothing for me to boast about the experience I've been through. Its just a sharing point and the only reason I love to give advice is because I don't want others to be going through the same shits as me. And thats because I care. I care for the people I love. I'm sure you don't like to watch other suffer like you yourself right? I'm sure you would want others to be happy because when they're happy, it brings relief to ur soul. Indirectly. You get what I mean. And thats purely me. I may look stone-hearted but the ones that are close to me, know me very well inside and out.

4. Inside of me

Sometimes I tried to be okay, knowing that the fact that I'm not in a stable condition in terms of mental, physical and surroundings. I don't wanna be weak. I don't wanna be hurt neither do I want to always and frequently think negative all the time. It already becomes the habit out of me yet I do not want to make that shit often. I really don't like. Because when it happens, I tend to be very quiet and self-cornered. Millions of shits running through my mind. Some people asked, do I cut myself? Yes. I have. MOST of the time. I've had them. I do have scars but not that deep and not obvious to be seen. Bleagh. Its actually a habit. I don't care what people say when I did it. Its my own body. I can do whatever I want with it. I've wrote a blog about self-harm previously. So do I have to explain much? Neh save it :-)

5. Love life

HAHA oh god. Please. I hate this topic so much. I know its ironic because I have a boyfriend. Bla bla bla but still I hate this topic.

How many exes? Haha how bout you guess.

Who left? Boys. Except it happens for 3 times where I ditched three guys for the other party.

Tried to steal attention from boys? Yes. Oh come on girls; please don't lie. We may try to seek attention but at the end of the day, our heart will always belong to that one boy. I mean if you love that "special" someone so much. If not then....... Your problem. Its your own life. Your choice. You create shit, you lick that shit back on your own. Simple as that.

6. Friends

I don't have many friends. I usually keep it to a minimum. Honestly, i don't know who is my real best friend. I don't have a close girlfriend. I mean I do have but they always disappear and they move on to the next people. Ended up alone. I mix w guys but not alot because I have to takecare of my limits too. But seeing the looks of it, I dont befriends with guys now haha. I dont know why either. Haha i always wished to have a surprise party, girl outings, friends who constantly check on each other, all those #squadgoals you see in twitter and all that.  Wanna feel a sense of belonging with people. Make connections. But oh wells, life. Complicated enough for that wish to come through.

7. Diet

I'm broke so what can I filled myself with? Beside eating at home. Oh wait, speaking bout home, I eat really little. So don't worry if you see me eating less than usual. I'm fine with it. And i did mention about the way I eat right in my previous blogs?

Morning: Nothing

Afternoon: Cereal // Snacks // Ice cubes

Night: Maggie // Nothing

Most of my days are like this. I mean if there's rice, I'll eat them. But it also depends on my mood too. I don't eat rice often. There's an incident where I realised that I didn't ate rice for up to one month. Depressed loner girl 24/7. But that was the worst time of my life. I literally hate myself, i was so alone, i didnt talk to anyone about it except for my guy. I keep it to myself most. I cried out of nowhere. Anxiety always strikes in me. Self-hatred become worse. Till suicidal thoughts dropped by in my head. No one found out. Nobody. Why should I let anyone know? I don't need help because I can't help myself either. Am I right? Why should I ask for help when I can't help myself.

I guess if you read the rest of my blogs previously, it pretty explains much about myself. You guys can tell it by your own. You guys have the right common sense so I leave it up to you to judge me. I really don't mind. But please before stating about me, assure with me first before spreading. I really have phobia about it.  It bothers me. And yes thats my weakness. It shrinks my soul down to the ground. So again, if you guys have any question for me, feel free to ask me privately. No harm :-)

Either DM me through instagram, twitter, or personally contact me through my email; swxxtrxvxngx21@gmail.com as stated in my header :)

Im so sorry for making this blogpost freaking long. I tend to share alot on one topic. Many Thanks to all my readers who supported me and giving me the sweetest wishes just to start off my day and life. To all those who have been there for me shits ups and downs. I feel humbled and blessed to know that some of you people love my blogs so much. Really big thank you. Look forward to more updates aye? I promise it'll be a good one. Love you all so much xoxo

Till then, with lots of love,

Swxxtrxvxngx