Insecurities

What is insecurities?

There's alot of meaning to it. Maybe the first thought would be "don't wanna lose someone who you love and care most'' or maybe its about yourself. Insecure about yourself. Well, everyone has that. Even the most egoistic or arrogant person who said they don't care about the world has their own insecurities shit.

Sure, you don't wanna lose that person the most because you love him/her. So much. Especially when you've given alot for them. Give your all. Like literally all. All your hard work, effort, sweat, tears, happiness, everything you've shared with them. Your all. And why? Is because they are the ones who you can trust the most. Just when you're about to embark a journey with their life, their inside life where you'll never get to find out at first, you have to be prepared for anything. And its like you're willing to go through hell&heaven with that person. No matter how or what.

With that pure intentions to have a pure sweet relationship. But yet still, through all these, we all have those tiny room of feelings where you should have, and that is insecure. A box of insecurities. But, you can't blame each one of us who has insecurities right...? I mean, when it happens and when its just felt like it, you just feel them. And you don't know the reasons why. Its okay. I bet most of you think that way.

And let me guess... it happens every night or at least most of the night? Like, at first you start off to wonder about something... And then you think about that person you care for the most before you go to sleep. You suddenly think about all those happy moments that happened between each other. But then, you start to think off the bad memories. You start to think wildly. Like the way he/she looks at other person. Especially the opposite gender. And to realise, you're down there, you feel like shit. You look like shit. You think they're better than you. That's it. Its where it starts to come crawling in. Insecurities.

And for out of no where, you want to cry your heart out. No reasons why. Clueless. I've felt that way alot of times. No doubt. I mean, who doesn't feel afraid to lose someone you love most??? You tell me. Attached person felt that way most of the times. Or maybe to those who hasn't been in a relationship yet, or soon to be, or you just love that person a lot, will also feel the same way. But of course think differently than those who're attached.

People that are alone in their life, can't say that their life is boring or lifeless or what. I mean being alone doesn't mean they can't have those type of thoughts too you know. Its okay to feel insecure. Really. Sometimes being alone can be quite relaxing. No heartbreaks, not much problems, still happy because they still got their friends behind their back all the times. They're happy people too. Well, not really of them. Some has their own individual background. And were differently raised by their own parents. You can't blame them. Its just them. They're being themselves. But yes, they do also have their insecurities. They're more afraid to lose their beloved friends or family members. It's like everyone who has been there for them, these people really treasure them. They'll somehow treat each other like a family. No doubt. Once their close. One self feel insecure because of;
1) Their looks
2) Their behavior, attitude, personality
3) The society
4) Their flaws. Every little shitty flaws

Okay maybe all of them can be listed out as under ''Flaws''.
Why looks? Obviously, when they see other people that are much better looking than their own, they just automatically feel demoralized. Damn shitty. Haha. Because they'll be thinking, ''why I can't look like her/him?'' // ''Isn't she so perfect?'' // ''Its like they're like my dream girl/guy.''
And basically so much more. The thoughts can filled a thousand over hundreds of them. No doubts. All they ever felt like, they just want to feel perfect. Or wishing they could be better..


Why behavior? Because one might like a mature person.. Others prefer pampered. I wouldn't say childish or immature. I just personally think they're just wanna be and feel pampered. That's all. Hey, we all do want to be pampered with the ones we're comfortable with. Or maybe some others would like to have someone who's half pampered, half being mature.Well, its actually their own preferences. Its up to them as to who they wanna choose.


Why attitude, personality? Because it depends. One time you can choose to be bitchy, and stubborn. And the other would be sweet, caring, thoughtful and all... yeah. But seriously it depends though.


Why society? Because the world is so cruel. Everything is so judgemental. In everything you do. Everything you do will just be a mistake to people's eye. Other's might not know the pain. They don't know what you've been thinking about. They just don't see what you see. Its a pain in the ass. Every single time you just feel like giving up because everything you do just doesn't seem to please people. Yes you dont live to please others. And others don't own you. Other than your parents. But because it affects you so bad, it just hurts you so much till nobody can even understand that pain itself. Because why? only you can feel it. No one else does.

You've tried explaining to them but it just won't work. All that you'd ever feel is the aches in your heart, those screaming voice you've been wanting to shout it loud. Those pain you've hold on for too long. Those anger. Those memories. Those moments. And all those kept in one fragile soul. You can almost feel the breaking and the shattered heart like a broken glass being fallen onto the cold floor. Those stinging pain. Oh how hurt it is. But all that is what you've been keeping inside of you. The only place where you can hide them. And to never reveal to anyone. But when it comes to the reality world here, and when people asks you, "are you okay? what happen?'' All you could ever answer was;
"Hey, It's okay. I'm fine. Its cool :)"


How hurtful it is to be saying that? You wished that you could ever tell your feelings to someone who can be there for you and understands your pain together. You wished that you could scream your heart out because you just want to let it out all the pain it caused you. But sometimes, people would also take advantage of it. Just because they had went through the same amount of shits or the same situation, they would also take the time to put in some feelings for you. Just a little. Because maybe they can understand the pain so well. They feel pity. But things like these, only last for only.... temporarily. Why?

Because like I said, the feelings grow out of them because of the only incident that happened to them. And it just so happens that they go through the same shit as you. They can't just step into your life and suddenly they come out to have some feelings for you too? It's wrong. I mean, thats not effort. That's is just like you pray to God for guidance to a better path but you're lazy to put in effort to change on your own self. True? And come to think of it, where were they when you're at the very top? Gone? Hah. And ask yourself back this question, have they seen you're everything? Your everyday life? All your mood? And most importantly, can they go through it with your shits too? Your living hell? Again, it depends. Sigh. Oh well... You just somehow feel that you're never good enough for people. You're never too good for anything. And everything. You feel so damned for everything. Like its a cursed. or a blessing.


We never know. Its hard. And how is it hard? It feels complicated. You can't express it easily to people. You just don't wanna burden others with your problems. Or better, you don't wanna burden others just simply by your existence. Yea. Cause you're just afraid that no one will ever understand what you're going through. No one even bother to walk in your shoes and feel it. That all these, from complicating other people's life, you rather keep them to yourself. Because your life is already complicated. Why want to complicate others as well? It's just not worth it. They won't like it anyways. And who knows, one day when they explode into anger, they can just suddenly blame you and saying like its your fault for dragging them into the mess as well. Well its just makes it more worse to be honest. And then after that you'll be upset and sit in one corner, thinking to yourself; why must I burden others? Look what I've done to them. It's all my fault.

And then back to square one. You start to feel like the same like you used to be. You need someone else to listen to you. But this time, you want it to be a different person. Because if its the same person again you talked to, the cycle just gonna repeat itself. Again. And you're afraid they might just get tired listening to your crappy talks and sadness. Just get tired of you. As a whole. They might just pretend to understand and to be there for you, but behind the scene? You'll never know what's lies within. So that is why, society is cruel. You just wanna lock yourself up from all these scary reality. I do too. But think back, why be afraid? You shouldn't be. You be more straight up. Be happy. Think positive. Don't keep thinking negative. Its not helping either. Fuck it all. Just be yourself. No one is in control of you only but yourself. Remember that.