2016: Harsh

I guess you guys are wondering what happened to me for the past few months or rather simple to ask;

what happened to me in the year of 2016?

To be honest, as much as I would love to go into details about my experiences, I can't. In due respect to some certain people that I can no longer talked so much about. If some of you that is close to me, and you happened to read this, AND if you know who I am referring to, let's just keep it that way. As followed by my Instagram posts and captions here and there, saying messages that it only meant so much to my dearest heart, I bet most of you do not know what had truly happened. And most importantly,WHY it happened.

It kept me thinking so much and it honestly didn't leave my soul for whatever has happened to me. It in fact, haunts me when similar incidents strike me in my present phase. Okay, haunt is more of like scary type of thing. Which is not exactly like that. Better word for it? Flashbacks. Memories. But like what people usually say, people change but memories doesn't. I agree. And I accept that.

2016... its definitely a hectic and a troublesome year. If I had known that 2016 would've been like this, I wished that by the end of 2015, I would have actually wanna press the skip button and move forward to 2017 straight instead. That's how much of the terrible things that happened to me. It was more of a lesson learned than regrets. And I keep telling myself that, it's okay. It's okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel insane once in a while sometimes you know?

Funny thing is, to me, I felt that its okay to have a bad day once in a while, or sometimes in the month or two. For that time of period, you may never know that it might not last long. But I was shocked y'all. Bad times THROUGHOUT the year? That is a no joke, I mean, okay sure, I do have my happy days but it happened rarely. Just for that year. Really. It keeps getting worse and worse. It's like history kept repeating and taking its toll on me again. Like... what the hell.

I was terminated and got kicked out by my Internship simply because I had problems with my health issues and attendance ( well tell me again, how are you gonna show up if you're 24/7 sick ), MC's were overflowing till I bet the management almost fainted and face-palmed their heads on about it, my friendships went down the drain, all broken apart and misunderstandings, I lost someone whom I love dearly---

Let me rephrase that. "Used to love" ( we do not want any misunderstanding here shall we? With all due respect ),

Family was into pieces, lost my self-control and not realizing who I was, depressed the fuck out, leading my CCA, had an operation till I almost kind of died because of panic attack on the aftermath and STILL people thought I was messing around. How fucked up I'd feel on that very moment? VERY. Accusations and shit. Backstabbing. It's tough... It's a challenge for me. Its an obstacles in my life. The biggest hardships I've ever went through. Personally. It keeps going down the drain for me, one by one. Oh the pain I had to go through facing all these. I swear all these was pretty challenging to take, facing it off still right before my face and then comes after the emotions. How do we handle it? I could have chose to die down there.

But nope, that would be stupid as fuck. Weak. Hah. I chose not to take the easy way out. Because I kept reminding myself, test wouldn't come off as easy as it seems for its way out. It will never be. The only way for you to get out of your problems, is to face your demons/fears. Cliche. HAHA. But hey, it gets across too sometimes.

I already knew that I'm going to repeat my Intern. I was actually prepared for it because I wasn't up for the stress and shit that I'm going through. On that particular period itself. I was at my wits end. On the days that I was fine (health wise), my depressed thoughts drove me insane till it persuades me to run away from reality a.k.a taking MC. You do NOT wanna know how much were the bills I had to pay for when I excessively took MC's. Another thing I was stress about, literally.

I was fucking sick back then. But other times, my brain and soul is too tired for the world, Like I'm not up for anything at all. Not even getting out from my bed. I couldn't think of anything more. I completely surrendered myself to the world and I was upset with myself for being weak. At that point of time, it has gotten me into the stage where I was so alone. I felt like my world came crashing down into pieces. Not knowing and prepared for what's ahead. I went on my knees and cried for being a complete weak ass bitch. So then, I've decided my fate.

I stopped going to work. Been transferred to my school as an alternative for my special case, and due to my health issue. Things didn't work out for me, I also stopped going to school. Focus on my life and determined to go for my Ops. Painful journey I would say. Hoping for certain people to come over, but ended up disappointed. Only the ones that cared so much for me, came. Some of the people too wanted to visit but because of school priorities, I wouldn't make that as a big fuss. So I'm cool.

Rested my life away for few weeks but in between it was tough cause of commitment issues and panic attacks becoming more of like the usual thing. As time passes, you can tell that I became too stressed out and I can't think in proper. But, hey guys, I've survived through it all. I'm just as thankful as I can be.

Next, let's clear out some of the things I wished I could tell off earlier when it just happened during that point of time. Which is my relationship issues. I needed this to get off my chest even after the whole stupid thing occurred. Not saying that I have yet to move on from it, no. I already did.

People mistook it. I just don't know which part and HOW they mistook it but pretty sure it seems like they never been there before. OR maybe they just don't give a fuck about it at all.
It's alright though. I'm not saying that its wrong or something but sometimes when things happened, people have different ways to react to it. People don't always react to the way you EXPECT it to be.

People don't get to control other minds on what to do and how to react on it. Its just natural. And believe me, one day, eventually I will get over it. We all get over it. And I already did. Way past that. I'm not sticking up for my past and mourn over it till the day I die. Maybe I could. LOL nah, just kidding. Well, you may never know.

But for real, I'm over it. I remembered I explained some stuffs on my Facebook account and that's cause its the only way for me to express it out. The fact that twitter can only be expressed in 140 characters and not more? Instagram is like more to the pictures and I can't even relate any pictures. Though I wish I could at first. But no.

"Just give in pls... Im begging. I swear" 12.26am

Unexpectedly too soon enough, I got confronted. Honestly, it hurts me till I can never forget a single thing. I'm not here to throw shade or badmouth on anyone. I'll keep what I know. There's no other obvious reasons for me to talk about what or how I felt. Mind you, its about how I felt and my perspectives. I had to because its something I can't bare to keep it inside of me. The more I keep, the more it eats me. That's just me. Once I let it out, I'm done. Move on.

Well, I bet people rather see me suffer with my own thoughts than to share or type it out, would they? Because I lack of attention? haha I get it. That's what all the people would say when they don't understand. Easier way out of everything. People don't know how it felt like because its either they have not been there or they are just stone cold. Like they don't give a fuck or I don't know. Could be anything. Honestly, its fine with me exactly. Whatever they think or how they judged me, I'll play along.

Its not like as if I always talk about it and ruin your lives with it. I mean that wasn't even my intentions. Not my thing. I'm done. For the people who knows me and is reading this, you would know why.

Saying goes; It wouldn't happen if it takes the other party to clap along. 

As mentioned, I'll give in. I won't tell the world exactly what people had done to me. I told the world how I see things in MY perspective on the situation without having to say in EXACT details what has happened. God knows how many times I have repeated this sentence. Who knows they themselves might face the same thing as me. So I just made it as a fucking relatable post. It has all been about me. Not you. But oh well, it was already misunderstood & confronted about the post I've made, so I took it down.

The word "love" in the quote does not have any relations to anyone that you thought it could be. It's just a fucking quote. I just had to explain. Cause some might not understand or maybe take it to the wrong level. Again.

But now, case closed and moving on.