Point of Breaking
It is no doubt that as I'm typing this out, my hands are shaking, numb & cold. Not in due of coldness. Pain & shocked. But I needed to tell this cause I couldn't keep it long inside of me. Tell me how easy do you think it will be to erase something so sick & twisted news by yourself?
I couldn't list down on who has hurt me mentally, emotionally and even physically. I don't want to. I just wanna share the pain I'm feeling cause I can't bear to hold it in. Physically, I've hurt myself. Knocked on walls, floors, wardrobes and even doors. I let all the anger and pain that I was feeling in my heart leash it out on the external of me. Like I do not even mind to just punch. Its swollen currently and I can still feel that numbing sensation right through my knuckles as I'm typing. But I'm not complaining. I wanted to feel this way.
As long as I can just push it all out by physical pain. All was too much for me to take it in. The scene I barely can imagine. Neither do the words can be erased from my mind right when it was confessed in front of my face. It was too hurtful. Who knows it could be true. Who knows it couldn't. I told myself to not believe on both. Should I? I thought I could trust someone. Now it has changed. I don't think I can.
People thought I bandage my hand for fun and create it as an excuse for myself to look like I'm in need of rest or what not. People even thought I was doing for attention. Lol. Its okay. Let it be. I can't even bother to tell of what exactly happen to me to people cause fucking hell, people just tend to ruin my trust and emotion horribly. Like how two-faced people can be? One minute I tell the story with all my fucking real raw emotions and then the next, all you can do is to tell others "oh immature" well, okay. suit yourself. Gone through this like countless of times. I'm not even angry about that. I told myself, you know what, I'm just gonna keep it to myself the real truth and fuck what people would say about my "excuses". There's only a certain people I fucking trust on.
I wouldn't wanna hurt myself that bad, to be fucking honest. I really don't wanna harm myself in any way I can. Cause I am trying my very best to not reach to that state again. And when I do, its when I am at that lowest state of me. Temptation was there but I felt like it was no fucking point. But ironic isn't it? How I tried not to do it, yet I still did. And I already did it. This feeling never stops. I hate that. I can't control them once I started feeling low of myself. It just happens.
I kept battling within myself to not do it. I kept begging for mercy to not let it out. I kept reciting to calm myself down ever since I heard the news. Lol. That was how much I was trying to calm down till I had to recite. The anger brought me into feeling very heated up all the way from my neck to my ears and face. My body was so light that I could actually swing it without feeling any pain. That raging feeling in your heart to just fucking punch someone. It was just all over me. The moment I heard the news from that someone's mouth, admitting to it, I snapped. I fucking snapped. I lost it. My patience was gone. My soft side turns cold. Heartless. It happened in the end. Burst out in anger and sadness.
I swear, there are so many things I wish I could spill it out on here. I'm pretty sure you guys have seen my Instagram's post. That was just an overview of how I felt. I just choose not to tell everything. But let me tell you the feeling of it.
How is it possible for me to keep the most unforgettable truth inside me and just close it with one eye and let it off just like that? Let alone, ignoring the pain and just move on with life simply because I do not wish to remember anything that hurt me so much. I breakdown. Again. The last time that I ever broke down and on my knees crying my pain ass heart, out loud smashing in sadness and anger, was like with someone... whom I don't wish to mention his name.
I'm not that type of person where I burst in full rage anyhow. My patience has always been on my side and has taken over me most than my devil side. The ones who truly know me inside out, knew how much of a fucking patient person I am. Up till this day. Recently, it was too much on my plate. I don't even know why it happened. The "news" made me lost it all. But for sure enough, it was something that I can never accept. Would you like it, if someone that you love so much, has kept that one little dark secret behind your back? When you thought he/she has told you so called "ALL" of the things you need to know? You felt like your had a fucking good connection kind of trust on each other and said "no secrets between us even if its way dark" And you happened to found out that one secret all by yourself? A secret that was supposed to be told way earlier.
But even if its not a secret, you have to come up and be honest about a mistake that you had done behind my back by yourself. Right? Cause the more you hide the truth, the more hurtful it'll become IF I were to found out by myself. And if lets say he/she admits the truth before you know it, least it won't be that fucking hurtful as compared to getting hurt by yourself, right? Cause you know how much that devil within you can take over your madness and fuck you up real bad enough. Only YOU know.
But of course, who would wanna tell the truth to you if its a secret that hurts and will haunt your life? A secret that is never erasable to forget at all? A secret that fucks your mind up because you thought that phase of "broken trust issue" is over, but turns out, its not even done yet. Why would people wanna be honest about it right? Cause they think its over and if its a secret, no one will know. So you decided to keep it to yourself for the entire life and put it behind. Wrong.
No matter how much you tend to keep it, one day, the truth will come out. It has its own ways of telling and spilling. No use as to how you are gonna keep it as a secret. But its worse if you find out by yourself. No amount of words can describe how unexpected it was for me. Sigh. That feeling still lingers through the mind. Leftover pain and feeling weak is still there in my hands. This time, it's hard for me to get back on my feet. Really. I couldn't deal with this kind of things anymore. Which I thought it was fucking over. But it still happens. Guess life in this world will never be at your most true peace until the end of time. In which I am waiting for that to happen to me. When will it be the end for me?
I couldn't list down on who has hurt me mentally, emotionally and even physically. I don't want to. I just wanna share the pain I'm feeling cause I can't bear to hold it in. Physically, I've hurt myself. Knocked on walls, floors, wardrobes and even doors. I let all the anger and pain that I was feeling in my heart leash it out on the external of me. Like I do not even mind to just punch. Its swollen currently and I can still feel that numbing sensation right through my knuckles as I'm typing. But I'm not complaining. I wanted to feel this way.
As long as I can just push it all out by physical pain. All was too much for me to take it in. The scene I barely can imagine. Neither do the words can be erased from my mind right when it was confessed in front of my face. It was too hurtful. Who knows it could be true. Who knows it couldn't. I told myself to not believe on both. Should I? I thought I could trust someone. Now it has changed. I don't think I can.
People thought I bandage my hand for fun and create it as an excuse for myself to look like I'm in need of rest or what not. People even thought I was doing for attention. Lol. Its okay. Let it be. I can't even bother to tell of what exactly happen to me to people cause fucking hell, people just tend to ruin my trust and emotion horribly. Like how two-faced people can be? One minute I tell the story with all my fucking real raw emotions and then the next, all you can do is to tell others "oh immature" well, okay. suit yourself. Gone through this like countless of times. I'm not even angry about that. I told myself, you know what, I'm just gonna keep it to myself the real truth and fuck what people would say about my "excuses". There's only a certain people I fucking trust on.
I wouldn't wanna hurt myself that bad, to be fucking honest. I really don't wanna harm myself in any way I can. Cause I am trying my very best to not reach to that state again. And when I do, its when I am at that lowest state of me. Temptation was there but I felt like it was no fucking point. But ironic isn't it? How I tried not to do it, yet I still did. And I already did it. This feeling never stops. I hate that. I can't control them once I started feeling low of myself. It just happens.
I kept battling within myself to not do it. I kept begging for mercy to not let it out. I kept reciting to calm myself down ever since I heard the news. Lol. That was how much I was trying to calm down till I had to recite. The anger brought me into feeling very heated up all the way from my neck to my ears and face. My body was so light that I could actually swing it without feeling any pain. That raging feeling in your heart to just fucking punch someone. It was just all over me. The moment I heard the news from that someone's mouth, admitting to it, I snapped. I fucking snapped. I lost it. My patience was gone. My soft side turns cold. Heartless. It happened in the end. Burst out in anger and sadness.
I swear, there are so many things I wish I could spill it out on here. I'm pretty sure you guys have seen my Instagram's post. That was just an overview of how I felt. I just choose not to tell everything. But let me tell you the feeling of it.
How is it possible for me to keep the most unforgettable truth inside me and just close it with one eye and let it off just like that? Let alone, ignoring the pain and just move on with life simply because I do not wish to remember anything that hurt me so much. I breakdown. Again. The last time that I ever broke down and on my knees crying my pain ass heart, out loud smashing in sadness and anger, was like with someone... whom I don't wish to mention his name.
I'm not that type of person where I burst in full rage anyhow. My patience has always been on my side and has taken over me most than my devil side. The ones who truly know me inside out, knew how much of a fucking patient person I am. Up till this day. Recently, it was too much on my plate. I don't even know why it happened. The "news" made me lost it all. But for sure enough, it was something that I can never accept. Would you like it, if someone that you love so much, has kept that one little dark secret behind your back? When you thought he/she has told you so called "ALL" of the things you need to know? You felt like your had a fucking good connection kind of trust on each other and said "no secrets between us even if its way dark" And you happened to found out that one secret all by yourself? A secret that was supposed to be told way earlier.
But even if its not a secret, you have to come up and be honest about a mistake that you had done behind my back by yourself. Right? Cause the more you hide the truth, the more hurtful it'll become IF I were to found out by myself. And if lets say he/she admits the truth before you know it, least it won't be that fucking hurtful as compared to getting hurt by yourself, right? Cause you know how much that devil within you can take over your madness and fuck you up real bad enough. Only YOU know.
But of course, who would wanna tell the truth to you if its a secret that hurts and will haunt your life? A secret that is never erasable to forget at all? A secret that fucks your mind up because you thought that phase of "broken trust issue" is over, but turns out, its not even done yet. Why would people wanna be honest about it right? Cause they think its over and if its a secret, no one will know. So you decided to keep it to yourself for the entire life and put it behind. Wrong.
No matter how much you tend to keep it, one day, the truth will come out. It has its own ways of telling and spilling. No use as to how you are gonna keep it as a secret. But its worse if you find out by yourself. No amount of words can describe how unexpected it was for me. Sigh. That feeling still lingers through the mind. Leftover pain and feeling weak is still there in my hands. This time, it's hard for me to get back on my feet. Really. I couldn't deal with this kind of things anymore. Which I thought it was fucking over. But it still happens. Guess life in this world will never be at your most true peace until the end of time. In which I am waiting for that to happen to me. When will it be the end for me?
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