Figure

There are somethings that I wish to say to people. But not all of it I can put it up here. Times have changed and I'm pretty sure we all are trying to adapt to the new changes or what not. Certain things stays the same. Some merely don't. Do people even get to notice the change that you are trying to you make? Or do people just sees you the same like before? Cause I can feel that most people sees you as who you are before more than what you are trying to make a new change of yourself.

You see, I'm not saying that all people are blind. And I don't mean literally. I am not talking about physically blind kinda theory. No. But you get the freaking point.

When you tend to meet new people, be it making friends or about to meet the love of your life, you kinda just wanna like "summarize" your entire past life which what makes you into who you are today, right? You tend to just give a brief of what happened, this and that, getting to know each other at the same time, share or learn some similarities and differences, to make the conversation get better, or you know, just making sure that person knows what kind of person you are in an overall view.

And then the conversation gets deeper and real. You start talking about what haunts you, your weakness, your strengths, your courage and different side of your personality where not many people knew. And you told that side of story to that person because you feel like you can trust this person. Because to you, in the first place, seems like that person is so so willing to listen and be there for you. Will help you.

But you can't blame yourself that much just because of trusting this person. Its not only your fault. Like you can't even have a sensor to detect if that person is trust-able or not right? Okay yeah maybe you can like look out for the signs or gestures that makes a person look like you can't trust them. But hell, you just made friends, and you felt like you had a sudden connection with them, so you kinda wanna tell the deep parts of you.

Like I said, you can't blame only yourself. Though you may not tell every parts of your dark side of story, but in which you did told a few of it, still you just feel like you had to tell. I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of that sometimes. I mean, I still do. For telling the wrong person whom in the end I can't trust at all. Funny.

Here's the other side of me saying; It's okay. Slowly prove to them that you actually wanna really change yourself and people will understand and respect that decision of yours.

While the other side of me says; Fuck yourself. For being stupid to tell what they don't know. Now they are just fucking me up in every aspect of me. Great job. Now they are taking advantage of my weakness. So fuck yourself. For keep having to trust the wrong person.

I don't get it how some people don't know how to respect one's decision to change their own attitude and personality for the better. Or when people wanna change and repent from their actions they've clearly been guilty for, someone else just had to make them do it again BECAUSE they THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT AND WOULD LIKE TO GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE OF TRUST.

When a person says no means its a no. You don't brainwash and sugarcoat people with your words saying "Oh i will be here for you and I will always will be. I can treat you better than anyone. You really deserve the best. I'm gonna make that happen for you BLA BLA BLA " When someone has its limits to go for, and that's because they had enough of it, you do NOT reach out to the limits and exceed them simply cause you think "lets see what's she/he gonna do if I reach her limits" Like NO dude. Its not a fucking challenge or another term for "Make Me"

A fucking no means a fucking no.

I'm talking about when the tone is being way serious. Not like in a way you get into the mood then shit happens. Nope. That's a different story with a different point of view. I'm on that opposite topic of it. I'm talking about how that one person is in the "mood" and the other party doesn't at all and this other party here, his/her intentions was to just change for the better and hoping that he/she won't repeat their past mistakes again. Because they are so to done for. Like they LEGIT had enough of it. They just don't do it anymore.

I hope you get where I'm coming from.

When someone just don't give it, you do not FORCE it or somehow manipulate their minds to make sure in the end they will do it with you. To those that gave in to that, blames are a never ending to ourselves for being so so stupid and feeling much more worse spiritually and mentally. You will just make themselves feel so much more worse than before. And will you be responsible for making that person feel that way? No, you don't. Won't even. You walk away, I bet. Or "miracle" happened that you decided to come back and say sorry and then ALL OF THE SHITS REPEATS. Some even don't dare to come back at all and apologize for having it your way when its been clearly said no and not having a favor to do it.

You are the only one side that tried to make every ends possible to make sure you get what you fucking want. Without any second thoughts. Guilt was never been a part of you wasn't it? Until maybe you reached to the point where you regret for your actions THEN ONLY you'd realize and decided to not do it again.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE GOT IT? YOU LEAVE. YOU GET BORED. YOU DISAPPEAR. EFFORTS BECAME USELESS AND GONE. MEMORIES WERE JUST FAKE AS FUCK BECAUSE YOU DID ALL THAT JUST TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. ALL THOSE WORDS WHEN WE FIRST KNEW EACH OTHER WAS UTTER BULLSHIT CRAP WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS LEFT BEHIND ME? NOTHING BUT AN EMPTY SOUL.

You don't get to fuck my trust issues and my inner soul up and all about like how you wanted it to be. You don't get to make me feel like shit back to square one feeling and make me feel so messed up. You don't destroy my wall that has been carefully built up back by my OWN HEART just so you could see it crumble again. You don't even care at all. All you care about was about that one sweet fragile spot. That fucking eases your temptation. What YOU wanted. It has all been about YOU. Which that's all you ever care for. When on my side? NOTHING. Your sweet words been put into hope and yet nothing in return but with a regret. A pain scar. Nothing else right?

I get to sit back and think, how sad. It's so sad to see all these that's happening. More to a question of, why? Why would you wanna ruin that trust and wall that I swear it took a lot of time to reach to that level back again. I look like a fool. Now people thinks I'm easily played about.

Why would you wanna go for something just like that? Do you know how tiring that is? To make yourself reach to that normal state and mentality again? It takes all of the fucking hell emotions, mental fix work and to be physically aware of people's doing just to get it done back to being okay. Its fucking hard. It seemed nothing to you and so easy as it looks to feel okay again. But for other people that experience like what I'm feeling... its not. It's never easy... It feels so worthless and low when you reached to the lowest point of you.

I don't see a point or a reason as to how does that only satisfy your temptation so much that it actually really doesn't matter to you of how a person would feel on the aftermath. What happen to the REAL LOVE now? Gone for good? All that desires matters so much of your worth overall?

It really changes a person's point of view in everything. They become more and more aware and begin to not trust anyone. Day by day, they get cold and numb to different people that they just met. They become so silent and don't dare to open up any more because they know, at the end of the day, people would just leave. People wouldn't stay through it all and watch how we as a person change and reset our worthless self back to life on our own. They don't get to watch all that figure.

Only we did.