Thank You, Soul.

I'm tired of feeling this way every single time my chest hurts. Its not something that I really wish to go through again at the very lowest of my life. It never helped at all. You know that feeling where you have gave so much of you, yourself? And it seems like there aren't many people who appreciate that at all. From you. People knew you as a person where you will forever be grateful and kind. And of course all the more forgiving. But do people actually knew what went on in their mind or the heart? Do people know how much of a pain they had to hold it in? Just so that we all couldn't burst out our madness inside us? Do people even know how much tolerance we gave them just because we care for that one person?  Do all of us care? Do people even... care?

I hate it when I am at my lowest people just don't seem to notice anything from me. Why? Because they knew I was strong enough to handle all the bullshit on my own. And that I do not need anyone to tell me that everything is gonna be okay because I have MYSELF to tell my soul for. Sucks. Meaning, you only rely on yourself to do the sugarcoating. You only rely on yourself for the pain. You rely the happiness you are gonna create because, nothing else could do it unless its on your own. From your own hands.

Numb has been one of my most bestest friends right now. It has been a part of me ever since my whole life came crashing down. Do I look like I'm the person who people just can't click with? Oh wait. yeah. I think I do. No one wants to right? Because I'm just so FILLED with many other issues or problems that I don't think people could be willing to help. I still don't think there is anyone who could help me fix my pieces. But you know who can? me. Isn't that the answer everybody wants me have?

People just couldn't be bothered enough to make me feel safe with my own hatred feelings. But how ironic that is? Curing yourself with the pain you ought to pain. I remember when people said to me that "I'm gonna fix you back with my hands" really? then why do I feel hurt still? Why do I feel like as times goes by, my heart becomes more of a stone than a water? When right now, I myself had been watering my stone when no ones dares to stop me from watering myself and to let them be able to handle that water?

Pretty hard to understand where I coming from? good. Cause its what people don't know me by. I lived in this stupid pain. But who is to tell me I'm far worse than anyone right? Nah. I'm not the worst of all the heartbroken, probably I'm just one of them. Like, OH the usual. Hah... Funny how my life goes. Yet people still have not figured it out as to why I still chose to do blogs. Tell me, who do you see around me now? Isit just only one person who has been there for me? And if so, why am I still doing this? Why do I still bother to write it up about it when I could have been talking to someone to share it all to and not feel worse of myself. Right? Why?

I don't choose to live by anger or grudges against anyone that has known me throughout the years I'm still living on. It doesn't work that way for me. I don't wanna hate on anyone neither do I want anything bad happen to the people I love. But sometimes I wonder, do people actually felt the same as to how I did for them? Do people try to put in more extra of the efforts to show me how much do they care and love just like how I loved them? I don't expect anything in return after saying all these but it pains me so much to be able to see myself facing this way of life. Its like, I am the camera of my own life, true. And to see myself having people to treat me this way? How sad could I be?

People have choices to make and so do I. And I have always chosen the path where I would want to go on the extra mile just to make them feel better, even if it takes the risk of hurting my own self. Its hurtful, you see. But, sad thing is, no ones knows the pain. no one knows how much I'm feeling for myself. No one. But I guess that's okay right? To have no one to tell me what I've always wanted to hear? Its okay right? To be able to treat myself from the pain that people gave me? Its okay right? To always be on the low where no one knows anything about you? I just can't tell how hard it is for my soul to take it all in these unnecessary shit I have to go through. Likewise, like how people sees me; am strong. 

Thank you, soul.