"Soul That Needs A Surgery"

Define the word; pain?

How would you describe pain in your own words? Me? My definition?

Pain is something that is so blunt. It hurts so damn much but you never know when will it strike. Pain is dangerous. It kills you inside. Slowly. Something that you can't imagine how hurtful it is to go through. You thought it might be okay to be in pain, but pain, consumes you. Pain takes your soul away. Pain makes you forget all the good things around you. Pain makes you drown. But what can you even do about it? nothing...

Nowadays, I really can't be bothered to feel anything around me. I kept telling myself that I can go through the situation I'm in every single time. But then now, it all changes. I can't seem to think straight. I can't even feel anything in me. It's like whatever happens, happens. I really can't seem to feel. Not even donating myself some self-pity. Heartbreaks? Pain? Breakdowns? Hope? 

What is that? Cry? No, because its just a waste of time. Run away? No, because when I come back, everything is still the same. Scream? NO, because they called it public nuisance. Nothing's helping me. My panic attack and anxiety disorders came back. I'm struggling on my own to go through these shits i'm facing. Nobody knows deep inside me. No one knew. I feel pity because there isnt any kind soul to see me through my eyes and heart. No soul knows how shattered am I. nor how fragile I am.

But thats okay. Its just another day full of ups and downs. so challenging yet I'm proud that I'm still able to survive and to even be alive. That's okay. I am so near in being one of those people who is ignorant and cold-hearted as fuck. Every struggles or heartbreaks I faced, brings me a step closer in being a cold person. Someone that I can be in which none would want me to be in. So close in not giving any fucks to any shits.

I really don't care about most of the things that've happened to me. Be it damn hurtful, confusions, alone, darkness consumes the whole me, I cant feel anything. none. Because people believed  in all the smiles that has been shown to the world. No one even gives a fuck either. Reality check; you hope someone would be there for you, be all kind and sweet, mindful for you. But guess what? Not even gonna happen. Dream on.

In reality, if you're down there drowning in misery, you think people would even risks their fucking lives just to save you? Help you? Lend you a hand so that you won't suffer alone? LOL. Joke. They won't even bother to pick u up. People with all their words. Lies. Unless there is prove then maybe would reconsider. But if there isn't? you can go fuck yourself for being such a cunt assholes.

Its just a waste of time to be in pain. I rather feel emotionless just so I won't even feel the fucking pain that I have to faced. All those tears and heartaches I can even save it for later times. But oh look, I already wasted earlier too much. Yet I'm struggling to give myself a chance more to be soft. But it ended the other way round. How sad? But too late. I wish I could control but I can never rewind time to get it undone???

Pain overrides me so much with the fact that people just don't even give a shit about. So why should I care?Give me a reason not to? no? well then. I swear Im so sick of my disorders I'm facing. One mintue i ran out of breath and the next I could be laughing for no reason or maybe end up crying because the shivers and pain it brought into me so bad. I'm so fucking tired to care. Cause none would do the same for me. People would only care about themselves and never try to feel in other people's shoes. I can't always be the one who do that. That's literally unfair. What they give, i mirrored them.

Trying my very best to not to be a heartless person. Struggling; the need to overcome my disorders asap and giving myself a chance more to be soft and never harsh...

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