Hurt

To be honest, I'm actually trying to start something new. To start afresh of my whole new life. Be a new me. But guess what, no. That can never happen because of the situation I'm living in. Heart's still aching. Mentality is mixed up. Emotions are running all over the places. Teardrops falling but still tries my best to hold on. Don't ever want to let it fall down on my skin. Screaming voices break apart my soul but reality don't allow me to. They name it public nuisance. Started to do things that is not me but they don't agree.

Hurt. That's all I can say about me. I'm still hurt over everything. I thought everything will be okay but is still the same. Why am I not surprised. You know, every single time I tried to get back up and be normal again, there is always something that's badly pulling me down. Every second of that feels like a torture to my heart. "When will it ever stop?" 

How it hurts me that the way I'm living now, really bothers people's eyes, opening of words that really really hurt me. Everytime I listen to their words really brings me to reflection moments of myself. And then when you realize it, you started lookin back at yourself; feeling disgust. I don't know how many people out there feels the same as I do. When that happens, dark souls creep you in. Self-hate will come towards your way. our mind. The feeling of being down is way too deep. Its's more than just being deep. It's more of like shattered into pieces of yourself, and you feel like you can never fix yourself again. 

Do you know how hard it is to be back to normal again? How much pain you have to accept that reality is being this to you? It really feels like somebody is tying to force you to swallow a poison so that they can be satisfied watching you being that way, whereas you; suffering. That is not all. Is like you stuck in between giving in and just swallow or still struggling to stay alive by not taking that poison. But this is not only  just poison. Its like a soul taker. The struggle to live or to die.

Trust me, once that person let you off this time, you think its easy to get back up and act like nothing happened again? no. Never easy. It took a damn long time to heal oneself. The flashbacks, the anxiety, their own self-consciousness, their second thoughts, their struggle to accept themselves back again. The struggle that they have to go through just so that one day society will accept them. Or should I put it this way, the struggle to oneself just so that one day, they will finally get to feel appreciated by someone or something.

Everyone wants that don't they? To get noticed, to get appreciated. To be happy all year round. Me? I think if decades passed, I still think i won't get noticed by people and feel appreciated. How am I coping with all these pain? I don't even know how. Because everytime I get hurt, I still have the urge to kill myself slowly. I'm getting smaller each day and that doesn't surprise me. When I'm in pain, I tend to tap my finger and have this mentality to just punch or take the blades to shut that silent hurt off. That doesn't stop still. I do whatever pleases me on my own body. And its me feeling the pain. Not you.

Don't have to grieve or tell me that you don't wanna see me hurt myself because you care. Well, damn. You don't even mean what you say. I don't believe in those words. The moment you said you care about me, think back again, when I'm in that moment of pain, do you feel it? do you noticed it? do you ask why am I like this? You made me feel this way yet you said that you care. Are you sure? 

One of the reasons why I don't take picture of me or talk about my life so much because there are so many things that I hate about myself which I don't want to people to know much or see. I already have loads of flaws and imperfections to myself, so why should I talk more about it? I can only share of how I feel. But i can never share what I've gone through. I hated myself for that. I had enough. I feel disgust upon myself. Every time I want to feel beautiful, it may work for some time, but then a few seconds later, words stings my ears. Then I went back to self-hates like its on a normal schedule.

I don't know if my feelings are relatable to you guys but I really appreciate you guys for taking your time to read this long damn blog about myself. I can't help it. I just wanna cry and rant. But I can't do that to anyone but here. I'll always tell myself to stay and hold on to be okay because until when do I have to stuck being like this right?

much love,

swxxtrxvnxgx